per my mom

That this is the cutest thing she has ever heard and it is "play therapy in action:"

The other day Annie brought her big horse that Barb gave her to me and told me, "this horse is sad."

Me: "oh no, why is that horse sad?"

Her: "He misses his mommy."

Me: "oh, are you his mommy?"

Her: "No, you are his mommy. Can he sit next to you?"

She is adjusting. Poor thing's entire world has changed!

newborn thoughts

Newborns are just so amazing, so fresh and new, so just-delivered-from-heaven. I can already tell that Maren is losing some newborn-ness, spending more time alert and aware of her surroundings.

So needing to stretch from being in the womb for so long that no amount of stretches can fully stretch those froggy legs:

So flexible and bendy like a rubber band or maybe a rag doll:

So drunk on milk:

So tired that sleep will come anywhere, anytime, but especially on my lap:

what Annie told me today

First of all, she told me, "Mom, your hair is wild. Why don't you make it nice and curly like mine?"

Two hours later she told me this:
"Your glasses are beautiful." thanks
"Your hair is beautiful." thanks
"You really look fabulous." LOL, thanks Anne! You know just what to say to a girl on the day before her birthday.

wordless wednesday

Annie wrote the best "A" today!

The best!!! I didn't even know she could draw (write?) an "A." How super is that?


Except it was on the wall. In the house.

Do you come for the pictures? Me and my girls:


So retro (yes we are cloth diapering - successfully - this is the official announcement; let me know if you have any questions):

ballet days

As Annie has inherited my grace and rhythm, ballet is a natural fit for her. :) That is the tutu choo choo.

It is the most adorable thing I have possibly ever seen in my life; and, while Annie is perhaps not the best ballerina, she is definitely one of the best listeners in the class, and that is good enough for me!

cute little face

even with her baby acne! love the pursed lips. She is already getting so expressive.

day in the life of the clothes monster we created

Annie is a clothes problem, and here is an average day of changes. We need to be more strict about multiple outfits because this constant changing is ridiculously annoying. Here are Annie's outfits for the day, from waking up to bed (yes 3 times with the Sesame shirt, and yes there was an evening pj change with tears and yes this could also be a hair throughout the day post and no we are not slobs but Annie takes her clothes out all day long and yes there is a potty in her room but it is moving around the house with us and potty training is a terribly painful post of its own thankyouverymuch):

Z

circle of life

This is a long overdue post about a woman who is very much missed. We lost Nana in December, and I have to take a few moments to properly remember her before these precious memories start to get a little fuzzy.

I'll start at the end, I guess. Nana was very lucky because she lived independently up until last fall. She had a few illnesses that took their toll, and she ended up living in the health center at Vicars. While she was there, she still was able to go out and kept her sharpness and humor. The week she died, the social worker was sure she was on her way back to her apartment. We had a lovely Thanksgiving with Rick and Deb and kids. Unfortunately, Nana ended up in the ER after a possible mini-stroke (unconfirmed at hospital). She and Rick and Deb came back in high spirits, though, and ate a late dinner. We hung out that weekend. Nana had bought Annie an absolutely ridiculously fun long red dress with matching Russian-esque hat that she wanted Annie to wear but then wasn't sure if she liked. Annie wore her Gator cheerleading outfit and Nana insisted that I take a picture. On Sunday we picked Nana up at the health center after mass, and like we had done so many times before, she took us all out to lunch at Cabana Club. We sat outside and laughed and chatted, and then I kissed her on the cheek, thanked her for lunch, and said good bye.

On Tuesday, with possible pneumonia, Nana went to the hospital and never fully regained consciousness. She was getting better somewhat but she wasn't waking up, wasn't coming back. On Thursday, Dan and my mom lead the difficult decision of taking her off all the machines and bringing her home. And then we waited and prayed and cried. And laughed. Nana had everything planned, prayer she wanted said; how to grieve. I am not sure if Nana knew we were there or not. She did seem especially upset when Annie was in the room the first time, but, of all people, Annie perhaps gets it the easiest. (Nana is in heaven. Heaven is sunny. And cloudy. And very happy. And we miss her.) The Sunday afternoon following the Cabana Club lunch, surrounded by almost 20 family members saying the rosary, Nana took her final breaths. It was very peaceful and special and surreal. I am 30 and I already know how I want to go!

When I had Annie, I had a very definite case of the baby blues, not postpartum depression as it lasted less than 10 days, but a very unfamiliar sadness. With Maren, I feel much better in almost every way, but my baby blues may be manifesting in sadness over Nana. She lived for 89 years, a good, happy, full 89 years, and yet it still seems as though she is gone too soon. While I certainly feel happiness and so, so much gratefulness when I think of Nana, the overwhelming feeling currently is one of sadness. I miss her.

And now for some memories:

• Nana loved her family and loved to know what all her grandchildren were doing. She did the same with our friends. She liked to know what was going on in an unobtrusive and cute way. She would ask questions like "how is so-and-so getting on since marriage?" or "what do you think of her new boyfriend?"


• Strangely as I am not a shopper, I have many fond shopping memories with Nana. (Perhaps she was best as a buffer between my mom and me during nightmarish shopping trips!) We used to go to Jacobson's years ago, and in later years, we looked at shoes and tried to get my mom to wear cuter ones.


• When I lived on Cape Cod and was newly engaged, Nana and my mom and I went wedding dress shopping in Boston. This was before Nana had her hip done (and after she did it, why didn't she do it years before?!) and she was not walking well but was a sport. It didn't fail: we would get to #20 and it would be a restaurant or something and we would look around for the bridal store only to find it...4 stories above the restaurant with no elevator. And up we would go... If you knew Nana a bit, you already understand that this climbing was accomplished with zero complaints and plenty of humor.


• Nana did not share her age. At her 85 birthday party, none of her friends knew that she was turning 85. She was pretty sure that she was going to see her 90th. I was pretty sure too.


• Nana disliked "women's libbers" but was, I would argue, a modern woman at the end of her life. She was very proud of her female grandchildren and the successes they had.


• Nana's best quality was perhaps her humor. She was a funny lady and a strong, steady, happy force. She didn't judge or give her opinions as some people of older generations are inclined to do. She had a way of saying what she wanted to say without you realizing she was calling your idea completely insane!


• Nana was well known for her lovely, proper Boston accent. I hope it is somewhere on tape because it is a voice to remember.


• Nana knew a lot about current events and sports. She even watched SNL.


• And so very many Annie memories... Nana loved Annie and it was truly the greatest gift to see them together because Annie loved her just as much. When Annie was born, Nana drove to the hospital at midnight for her first time driving after her hip replacement. She had also gone to the florist and picked out both blue and pink cards. If Annie was a bit of an unplanned surprise, the best part of the surprise was that Nana got to have a great-grandchild. I got to be part of four generations. She would rock Annie and Annie's hair would come home smelling like Nana. Nana always called her "that darling child!" She fed Annie yogurt and Annie would call for Nana in the yogurt aisle at Publix for months. Then, of course, there was Nana's birthday when Annie looked right into Nana's eyes and said, "Nana!" Can you think of a better gift?


• Nana loved children. She would say, "when I am old and crazy in the health center and I don't know who I am, don't let them bring me dogs. Tell them to bring me babies. "

Here I am with a baby that I was sure Nana was going to meet. Nana would have loved her. I am constantly reminded, in a non-Lion King sort of way, of the circle of life. Nana's life circled in to meet Maren's and remind us that we all live on through each other. It is a bizarre and beautiful contrast to have sat at someone's deathbed less than three months ago and today be looking into the eyes of the smallest of earthly souls.

cracks me up

Annie, Maren, and I went to Target today to get a few things and we ran into Chris's new boss. When we got in the car, I said, "that was Daddy's boss. Do you know what a boss is?" Annie looked at me in all seriousness and said, "yeah, the Boss sings the Mary song."

HA!

so how are we doing? (and some pics)

Well! Maren is nursing well, sleeping as well as a newborn sleeps, and is a joy. Newborns are so amazing with their baby bird ways! Annie is adjusting well and being her usual sunshine-y self. I feel good, Chris feels good, we are doing well!

Maren's birth story

Definite TMI and longness alert. I am writing this for me to remember, so read at your own risk!

On Tuesday, February 22 (due date), I went to the doctor and they stripped my membranes, which apparently jump starts labor for some mothers. Well I guess it worked for me or it was time or some combination, but I was woken up Wednesday morning a little before 7 with regular, mild contractions. They were 6-7 minutes apart all day on Wednesday and I went to work, noticing the contractions like cramping in my back but not believing this might be the start of it. Wednesday night, we walked to Chizu and picked up dinner and came home and ate it. The contractions started getting stronger not long after that, but remained 6-7 minutes apart. I slept a little overnight between contractions and they were stronger still in the morning. By lunch time, I definitely needed to breathe through them. They were coming more like 5-6 minutes apart but lasting only 30-40 seconds. Grammie came and took Annie to her house for awhile and they brought back dinner (and Annie's awesome matching outfit with baby). I was pretty uncomfortable at this point and definitely not eating dinner, so they took Annie home with them for the night and Chris and I settled in.

Contractions were getting closer together (more like 3-4 minutes apart) but still not lasting a minute. But they hurt! Oh my goodness, it was all in my back and I just could not get comfortable in any position. "They" recommend hands and knees or sitting up and leaning over a chair for back labor, but sitting very straight up and down was the best of the worst positions for me. By around 8 we were talking about when to go to the hospital, but I was thinking that I wanted to stay home as long as possible. My dream VBAC would be a 12 hour labor where I labored at home (in the tub, with soothing music of course) and ended up at the hospital 9 cm dilated and nearly ready to push. No meds, no interventions.

I started feeling really nauseous from the pain, and I was afraid to take my blood pressure because pain can make it rise, and I was afraid of showing up at the hospital with a super high reading and being whisked off for surgery. I did turn on some hypnobabies and worked on meditating between contractions. It helped some for awhile, but a bad contraction would take me out of my semi-relaxed state. Around 11 pm on Thursday, I had an especially bad contraction, and the pain was too much. I started vomiting everywhere and couldn't stop. I was scared of the pain and the BP, and we decided to go to the hospital.

The ride to the hospital was not as bad as I had feared, and I kept thinking, we should stay at home, we are going to get there and I am going to be 2 cm dilated and this is going to be all for nothing. I felt a little better once I got to the hospital. (Why does this always happen when you go to the doctor?!) They checked me and I was 4-5 cm dilated so I was admitted. They asked if I wanted an epidural, and I said yes (INTERVENTION). (I had decided earlier that evening that this natural labor stuff was for the birds.) I got the epidural around 3 and it was great. Instant relief. The epidural was much different than the one I had with Annie. With Annie, it was really scary because it was as if everything below my waist was turned off. I couldn't feel anything and couldn't move my legs. At St. Luke's, they do a walking epidural (misnamed as they do not actually let you walk although you could), and I could feel contractions without the pain and could freely move my legs. It was as if all the back pain had just been taken away, and I could still breathe deeply through contractions so I knew the baby was getting oxygen. Chris and Mom were there, and we all slept a little until around 7. I ate a lot of ice and focused on staying positive.

Everyone was positive for me - the nurses (one of whom had had her own VBAC and had me as her first VBAC patient), my midwife. There was no talk of anything but success, but I was progressing slowly. Around 9 or 10 Friday morning, I was still not dilated to 6 cm. This was very mental for me, as that is as far as I got with Annie. They broke my water (INTERVENTION). Contractions were stronger but not strong enough per what they "like to see" so I was started on a super low dose of pitocin (INTERVENTION). I was a little scared at this point because so many things were happening that I had not planned and I had already been in labor for so long.

But, the pitocin took and I started dilating (relatively) more quickly. I passed 6 cm (YAY YAY YAY) and started to feel the urge to push sometime after 1 pm. This is all a bit fuzzy, but I pushed for just under two hours. Again, the epidural was great, because I could feel the contractions a bit, but I could feel the pushing distinctly. It hurt. I was a bit of a baby and yelled that I couldn't do it. I couldn't open my eyes and I was burning hot all over. Chris was awesome because everyone kept saying, you can do it, almost there, there's the head, but when Chris said it, I knew we were close! So finally out she came in a bizarre exhilirating feeling of relief. She was sunnyside up; i.e. backwards; so that is probably why I had (1) back labor; and (2) so much trouble pushing her out. Apparently proper positioning of baby is more important than size, and I had both against me.

Maren Katherine Prevatt was born on Friday, February 25, 2011, at 3:47 p.m., 9 lbs even, 21.25 inches and perfect! I got to hold her on my chest right away and Chris got to cut the cord. Those two moments alone were worth all the trouble and angst over the past 9 months. Also, she never left the room at all. When she came out, they were saying, can you see what it is? My mom was on that side, and she said something like, I don't know! I'm not sure! Ha! Then everyone was yelling at once, IT'S A GIRL! This was a COMPLETE SHOCK. It was the best surprise ever! Another little girl! She is amazing. Long and strong already with some medium brown hair, long hands and feet, and sweet little chin. She looks a lot like Annie, I think, but I'm not sure if that is just in an "all babies look the same" sort of way. We are in love.

Recovery has been even easier than a c-section than I had thought, and I didn't even have a tough c-section, really. This time, I had a second degree tear and lots of stitches, but I was still up using the bathroom myself two hours after delivery and showering myself the next morning. I have some pain, but there is just no comparison.

I am very fortunate, especially with all the interventions I had. I fully support natural labor, and I would try again with a future kid, but I am also 100% satisfied with this birth. I never would have made it without the epidural! I also had more support than I could possibly hope for. No one in my family ever questioned me questioning the norm of a repeat c-section. My midwife/OBs and even ROC were unfailingly positive and sincerely rooting for me. Every woman should have the opportunity to have the option of a normal birth.